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Thursday, September 20, 2007

Coming soon to a theater near you...

By now you've probably all heard about actor Russell Crowe's surprise visit to A2 last weekend during which he gave the previously-winless Wolverines a pep talk before the ND game. Well, in an MZone exclusive, we give you a sneak peak at the upcoming movie based on those events.

DEEP-VOICED NARRATOR GUY: In a world where a preseason top 5 team could be embarrassed at home by a 1-AA squad and then ass-raped by an unranked PAC-10 school the following week, only one man can inspire them to stop sucking...



MAXIMUS: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Ann Arbor Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Bo Schembechler. Father to a murdered defense, husband to a murdered special teams unit. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

At my signal, unleash hell...and start making tackles, and stop throwing picks in the red zone, and quit getting field goals blocked, and giving up big plays, and making mental mistakes...

MAXIMUS: What you do in the Big House...echoes in eternity!

JOE PATERNO: The actor who became a friend of the coach. The friend who became a motivational speaker. The motivational speaker who inspired the team to start winning. Striking story! But now, college football fans want to know how the story ends. Only a stirring run to the Big 10 title will do. And what could be more glorious than to start that run by defeating Joe Pa himself and his Top 10 team in the great Big House?
MAXIMUS: You want to fight a resurgent Michigan team on its home turf?
JOE PATERNO: Why not? You think I'm afraid?
MAXIMUS: I think you've been afraid all your life. Or at least the last eight times you played Michigan.
JOE PATERNO: They put two seconds back on the clock! Two fucking seconds or that game in 2005 was mine, you son of a bitch!

BILL MARTIN: You will remove your Michigan hat and tell me your name.
MAXIMUS: My name is Motivator.

15 comments:

Conquest Chronicles said...

Classic Yost!

does this mean that Crowes Next 2 movies flop?

Out of Conference said...

About that, "What you do in the Big House...echoes in eternity"... you're not talking about the noise, right? j/k

Killing My Liver said...

Nice one, I actullay laugheed out loud on that.

beast in 'bama said...

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Ann Arbor Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Bo Schembechler. Father to a murdered defense, husband to a murdered special teams unit. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

At my signal, unleash hell...

srudoff said...

actually a pretty good metaphor

both Maximus and the Wolverines end up getting killed at the end

:)

Crock said...

great post.

Yost said...

BiB,

That's too good. Might have to add it to the post.

Yost said...

BiB,

Done. Thanks!

Matt said...

Absolutely brilliant!

Srudoff, sure, Maximus dies in the end, but not before taking out his most hated rival who has been at the source of his agony.

snuff said...

I was so hoping someone was going to make a Russel Crowe picture with him holding up Jimmy Clausen's head yelling, "Are you not entertained!?"

Out of Conference said...

If you find yourself alone, the first of the ranked to lose to a I-AA school, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!

Cowbell Commander said...

This was brilliant. I am speechless. I am without speech!

Matt said...

Does this make Russell Crowe an honorary Michigan Man?

srudoff said...

"resurgent michigan team"?

beating ND does not make one resurgent - you pretty much just need a pulse to beat ND nowadays

plus you got your best line from someone in Alabama..... nuff said.

;)

beast in 'bama said...

Oooooh, backhanded by some moronic regional bigotry...

;)