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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Rules for Fat People at Sporting Events

Let me just say right from the get go that I know this post isn't going to be "PC" and might even be offensive to some of our readers.

Tough shit.

After years of silently suffering at the Big House (as well as many other sporting events) when, shall we say, "large" fans sit around me, next to me and sometimes overlapping me, it's time somebody spoke up for the rest of us.

As such, below are the MZone approved Official Rules for Fat People at Sporting Events.

1. Believe it or not, I'm not a heartless dick. However, unless you paid for two seats or half of mine, I shouldn't have to be wedged into my seat like a convict trying to fit through a drainage pipe during a prison break.

Look, if your ticket is for seat 28, the crack of your ass should be splitting the "2" and the "8" and any ass spillover should not be touching the "7" to your left or the "2" to your right. I shouldn't be punished for four quarters because I took gym class seriously.

2. The same general principle applies if you're sitting in front of me at a stadium with benches ala Michigan Stadium. Your seat does not extend behind you to infinity like airspace over a sovereign nation. Thus, I'd prefer not to spend the entire game with my knees wedged into my chest as though I'm preparing for a crash landing because your backside has forced me to choose between three very unpleasant options for my legs: a) the above-mentioned pilot episode of LOST position b) the side-to-side shift where I must carefully position both my knees to either your left or right each quarter like a downhill skier silently practicing for the slalom or c) the legs open postion where your back is wedged between my thighs like a tandem sky dive gone horribly, horribly wrong.

3) If you're a "larger" fan, you have an obligation to get to the game on time. Don't come strolling into a sold-out stadium eight minutes into the first quarter (usually with two other "husky" fans to boot) and then expect everybody to suddenly halve themselves in order to accomodate your seating requirements (see Rule #1 above). Furthermore, such late arrivals also cause the rest of us to miss a number of plays while this game of human Tetris plays out, the entire section trying to refit itself without blood flow loss to major body parts.

4) Please wait until halftime for any food runs (or at least the end of a quarter). From the looks of it, you'll survive.

5) Watch the sudden standing cheers. I know football is a game where things can turn on a dime making such moments unavoidable. But I would prefer to leave the game without it looking like I was the one attempting to evade Michigan's pass rush all afternoon.

37 comments:

Howard21 said...

Preach on brother Yost, preach on. I have a buddy who is a nutritional overachiever and he always says to kick him around if he gets in the way. on bus trips in high school we would always sit together and he would always tell me to move his "fat ass" if it got in the way. I loved him for it, he understood that us lil' guys are only so little and still need some room. and why in the hell would you ever be late to a michigan game. i have never been to one and if there are people out there taking that privelege (not a right) for granted then give me their f'ing ticket, i'd drive from seattle every friday and never miss a minute. Please, if you see people stroll in late tell them that there is a kid in washington who would gladly kick his ass and take his seat for his tardiness. sorry for the rant, but i just took a break from a late night mid term paper and pot of coffee I just drank is kicking in, but I can't believe some assholes are late to a game.

Allaha said...

Every time I land in a US airport, I immediately think there must be a fat person's convention -- or unlocked doors at the local Dunkin' Donuts. It truly is a plague.

The best billboard I have ever seen was in SF for a local gym, which stated: "WHEN THE ALIENS COME, THEY'LL EAT THE FAT ONES FIRST." . . . Unfortunately, a herd of fat people waddled to the city council and complained of intentional infliction of emotional distress, thereby forcing the gym to remove the ad and -- I swear this is true -- the San Francisco City Council to enact an ordinance to specifically ban discrimination based on obesity.

TitleIX said...

not to mention on airplanes....

but, I disagree with the standing cheer rule, since that is really your only chance of reclaiming your seat real estate. when the fatties get up, you slide back over and let the yahoos down the bench worry about making room.

and, another tactic involves the lamest of inventions---seat cushions. yes, they are embarrassing to a true fan, but they are required equipment when trying to stake out protected territory from the fatties.....

and, last but not least, is the knees in the back/butt maneuver. do not yield leg space to the fatty in front. keep your knees in tight (no, not Rocky Horror style) and apply pressure to the fat rolls in your leg space. Eventually this will force fatty to move forward in order to avoid your knees, thereby displacing their substantial mass forward to the rows ahead....

Human Tetris indeed!

Brickeye said...

Boy, you're really reaching for things to bitch about.

Richard Cranium said...

I hate fatties

Kraut said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kraut said...

allaha, that's why I couldn't live in California ... that's just lame.

Anonymous said...

This is the best thing I have read yet.

Totally true. I can feel for the larger folks (even though I am 5'9" and 115 lbs AFTER 3 kids thank you very much), but do hate trying to do all of the mentioned human tetris tricks at the games.

I suggest fruit plates at tailgates & a good purging before entering the stadium.

Side note: the cheerleaders looked like cheerleaders saturday. Thank goodness,

Tom said...

I'm a larger fan who totally agrees with rule #3. I was at Kyle Field just last week when midway through the first quarter two large people showed up wanted their exact seats. That was a disaster. As a rule I always try to get to games at least 15 minutes before kickoff.

I really enjoy sitting (actually standing) in the student section because these issues rarely come up.

As for the ordinance in SF, its actually illegal in the state of Michigan to discriminate based on weight (same clause as sex and race I believe). Of course, that it almost impossible to enforce and I don't think that it would cover an (admittedly funny) gym advertisement.

Perhaps instead of getting angry at fat people you should work with them to try and make everybody more comfortable. When at a sporting event, I don't want my largeness to put anybody out. A few years ago, we were lucky enough to get front row seats at Yost for the season in a part of the student section that was mixed with regular season ticket holders and therefore didn't stand. I was able to switch things around and get the aisle seat with gave everybody much more room (the famous half-cheek-hang).

Anonymous said...

What I find sad is that I do not consider myself slim (athletic and well built yes), but quite a few people consider me skinny. But that is no surprise since I live in the state that has the two most obese cities in the United States, Texas. What shocks me is that people that are in their early twenties and teen years are also quite chunky. As an ethnic minority I must state that this political correctness bullshit is going way too far. If you are fat you are fat.

Anonymous said...

There should be a surcharge for every inch that a flabby ass hangs over standard seat width. If it is over 20" you should just have to buy 2 tickets to accomodate your bulk. It is manifestly unfair that someone who has ALREADY been eating extra food for 15 years should get free extra seat space also.

srudoff said...

i hear what your saying but didn't i read something last year that said that the Big House has the narrowest seats in the Big Ten, if not the country? the report i saw compared michigan's seat space to ohio state's and concluded that if both teams allowed the same length per seat, they'd have almost the exact same seating capacity but Michigan keeps their seats narrow to be able to say they put 110,000 plus in the stand.

it sounds like i'm trashing you guys there but honestly I read an analysis comparing the seat sizes maybe last year.

if true, it might be a contributing factor.

Anonymous said...

srudoff-

Must you compare EVERYTHING to OSU's? Player's IQ, bands, seats, etc. Honestly, the pissing contest is getting old.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Srudoff, but with that avatar, everything you say comes over as you trashing us. Try again once you grow up a little.

Anonymous said...

Amen to all this but let's face itthough, we are mostly Americans and we are all to f-ing fat!!! Last year at the M-OSU game my wife had to sit on my lap. We had no room because of all the bundled up truckers wearing red in our row. Cold games require more room. I can't get over the people that have to sit with legs spread leaning back and elbows out to be comfortable. I guess it's the only way they can breath. I'm not small but I can fit in the size "box". If you want to sit like your at home, stay at home..or go to Lansing with your seatback.

Anonymous said...

Yost, why are you complaining about standing cheers? Why are you not standing all of the time? Can you make noise sitting down? Wow, sounds like you are the epitomy of all those quite fans that you despise so much. Can't say I'm that surprised. People usually seem to hate what they are.

harry hasselhoff said...

Americans are fat. This isn't just a Michigan Stadium thing, it's a you're-too-fat-and-gonna-die-at-45 thing. Lose weight people!

Jeremy said...

So the message I'm getting here:

Don't shake your keys even though they add noise! Instead, just yell -- but only while sitting down! Standing up and getting into the game gives us less to complain about!

srudoff said...

uhh i wasn't trying to compare them to osu's seats. my point was to state that michigan's seats are more narrow than MOST stadiums and might be a contributing factor to yost's rant

michigan chose to have the seats this narrow and, due to feedback from the fans, will increase their width to the standard 18 inches when the renovations are made. currently they are 17 inches - only an inch shorter but i'm sure YOU can relate

:)

Doug in sf said...

Not much of a problem at Cal, despite wickedly thin seats that were numbered in the 1920s. When there are some fat people, we just roll with the paunches.

Anonymous said...

What I really find stupid is that the stadium renovation is going to lose so many seats because we're widening them by 1-inch. 1-inch isn't going to do anything. For the people that don't fit in a seat, they need a whole foot, not just an inch.

Anonymous said...

With all the complaining about seating in Mich Stadium, you should finally tear down that hole in the ground. Wait, how do you "tear down" something that is in the ground already?

The King said...

Doug in SF, I grew up in Berkeley and I know that Cal doesn't have this problem because no one goes to Cal games.

Doug said...

well, king, Cal is over 50K for 16 games in a row now. We had a 73K sellout for Oregon. It isn't Michigan, but it isn't any longer what you remember either (i.e. 2001).

Anonymous said...

I think the answer is to have UM come play a home game or two at Stanford's new stadium. No bench seating...and currently not home to a Div I football team either...

TitleIX said...

srudoff's right....
exceptionally small seating space allotment in The Big House relative to the large, corn-fed crowd (and other football venues)
worse with layers, but equally disgusting when the sweaty smelly fatty is stuck on you like velcro......

Yost--how on earth did you come up with this topic?????

trojan mike said...

Hey I have a thyroid problem.....

John Candy said...

I swallowed a lot of agression as a youngster... along with a lot of pizzas

Mike said...

Oh man that is some funny s**t. We go through the same thing in Beaver Stadium. I hate when I have to sit to some 400 lb guy who thinks my lap is his personal arm rest. Although I am jealous when they can rest their nachos and beverage on their stomach shelf.

Anonymous said...

Just another reason (along with soft murmurs from the fans) why the Big House is one of the worst college stadiums in America. Ann Arbor is such a whore.

Jim Tressel owns your asses.

Anonymous said...

Aren't there high school football teams in Texas, Alabama, and Florida that pride themselves for having over 50k fans each and every home game? Since when did that become a barometer of prowess?!?

Yost said...

Anon 7:13,

Yeah, you so "burned" us there with your comment -- because folks from Ohio are known for being so svelte. You're right. No "girthy" folks in the 'Shoe. It's like Project Runway down there.

Andy said...

Brilliant post Anon 7:13

Thanks for your contribution.

I hope the librarian doesn't catch you spending all this time on the computer.

Andy said...

Yost:

Do you think that Anon 7:13 = Holly Mangold ????

BaggyPantsDevil said...

Yost, Why do I get the feeling you spent the Iowa game wedged in next to Benny’s old Valentine’s Day hookup?

Jeremy said...

Ann Arbor may be a whore...

http://customink.com/cink/r.jsp?E=ajmasi%40gmail.com&F=ymad2

Jeremy said...

er, link:

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